Top Ten Famous Last Words of Freelancers

Posted: October 16th, 2009

Similar to General Custer, who’s famous last words were (unofficially) “We’ve caught them napping,” those not-so-lucky freelancers who fell off of face the planet also had some last words to be remembered by. Here are the best of them:

10. “Naw, I won’t charge you just this one time.”

9. “Why yes, billable time does include calls, emailing, invoicing, showers, naps and Twitter use.”

8. “If you don’t mind me saying, it looks way more professional with Comic Sans.”

7. “Here’s my cell number in case anything goes wrong.”

6. “A contract before starting? No thanks, I’m an independent.”

5. “What’s this W-9 I got in the mail?”

4. “Who needs you? I got my other client anyway.”

3. “Sure I can write out your website copy and blog posts on top of the layout and design. Plus tweets while we’re at it.”

2. “Be patient. I’m kinda new at this.”

1. “Aaaaah… mañana. Don’t worry.”

Top Ten Things To Do When There Are Just Too Many Things To Do

Posted: October 6th, 2009

Freelancers will surely get into times when they are juggling five projects, having to answer a million client emails and then finishing up the invoicing for the month.  All of which has to be done yesterday. Before you get burnout or any of that stressy stuff happening to you, stop, take a breath and try one of these ten remedies:

10. Wait patiently for that rainy day to come around… from the Bahamas.

9. Look into getting a paid position for all that other time you spend on Twitter.

8. Skip out for a six-day siesta.

7. Aw hell, might as well look for more work  instead.

6. Hire 10 year old brother to do your work for a Happy Meal and softer punches.

5. Might as well start spending all those checks you’ll get when the work is done.

4. Get much needed sympathy about your constant flow of work from Twitter/Facebook friends.

3. Write up a quick top ten list sippin’ on a beer.

2. Come up with some killer excuses for the clients.

1. Just take the damn day off and relax for once, OK?

Top Ten Things Your Client Doesn’t Want You To Know

Posted: September 10th, 2009

Sure, we may only communicate through emails and instant messages, but ever wonder what your client is really thinking behind all of them? Here is a little insight…

10. Those future projects aren’t going to happen anytime soon.

9. You won’t be needed any longer as soon as my kid figures out what you just did.

8. Business isn’t going bad. We just found someone cheaper.

7. What I REALLY need you for is to help me figure out this Photoshop thing.

6. I actually know what PayPal is. I like writing checks better.

5. Wow! Other freelancers charge twice as much.

4. I’m not really going on vacation. I just won’t be calling you again.

3. I’m working naked at home too!

2. I actually have plenty of money for your work and never ever used a budget.

1. I chose you from your Facebook profile. You naughty, naughty girl.

Top Ten Things To Do When Twitter Is Down

Posted: September 2nd, 2009

Yes, we are all hooked to Twitter by an umbilical cord. Nothing wrong with that. But what in the world do we do if it goes down again? These will get you by:

10. Just go ahead and scream to yourself “Bagels and butter rocked this morning!” to get that out of the way.

9. Stare at the stock ticker on CNN.

8. Go back to that sexy chat room for old time’s sake.

7. Read a sentence from a book. Stop and think. Repeat.

6. Lookup “mashable” to see what the hell they are all about.

5. Repeatedly attempt to tweet “Twitter back up!” and hope you’ll be the first to break the news.

4. Use a perfectly good substitute.

3. Or… check for a Google Twitter. That should be done by now.

2. Sit there and absolutely die!

1. Talk face to face with your “other” friends.

Top Ten Things A Freelancer Would Rather Be Doing

Posted: August 19th, 2009

Let’s admit it. There are occasionally things that freelancers would rather be doing at the moment. Here are the favorites:

10. Escape from the desk and computer. Going to next room over and use laptop.

9. Getting some more work done while sleeping.

8. Go on that vacation… next year.

7. A redo. Bring it on!

6. Eat much better.

5. Finding a client outside of immediate family.

4. Getting off the wagon for old time’s sake.

3. Something stronger than coffee.

2. Another top ten list this week. (sigh)

1. Making the poverty line for once.

Top Ten Additional Definitions of The Freelance Dictionary

Posted: August 12th, 2009

A few months ago, I posted The Top Ten Definitions of The Freelance Dictionary which, apparently, a soul or two out there liked. So class is in session again. Get out the pen and paper and jot down these other ten definitions from our beloved “dictionary.”

Billable Hours: The hours you really intended to work but somehow ended up on Twitter instead.

Change Order: A document you realized you forgot to draft when you spent three days retouching that website at the request of your client.

Health Insurance: For a freelancer this would be wearing body armor at all times and eating an apple a day.

Passive Income: Getting some freelance work done while clocked in at your job.

PayPal: The quickest and safest method to fork over a chunk of your hard earned paycheck for nothing.

Freelance Rate: An amount per hour that you brag to your friends about charging. That is until you realized you worked a half hour this week.

Spec Work: Also known as “pro-bono” work, “let’s pretend we’re an intern” work or “why don’t I just let you have my whole damn portfolio while we’re at it” work.

Social Media: An increasingly popular method of promoting one’s business by exchanging information and links. That’s the excuse, anyway, while you keep up with friends.

Time Tracking: Periodically looking at the clock throughout the day until you decide to start working at 3:00 AM.

Telecommuting: Working at home and conducting business over the internet. Also the sole culprit in why you have gained weight and look and smell like you’ve spent a week on skid row.

Top Ten Guilty Pleasures Of A Freelancer

Posted: August 5th, 2009

Let’s admit it. Working as a freelancer affords you the opportunities to enjoy things that you otherwise wouldn’t in an office setting. Yes, we all do have those little vices and here are the ten best in case you were wondering:

10. The sweet smell of nag champa incense (covering up body odor).

9. Raw coffee, Red Bull and leftover crack blended into a nice smoothie.

8. Same as above but directly injected into veins. Good with a cigarette.

7. Oh, looking at a computer screen and watching the minutes change on the clock.

6. Working… ahh, I’ll work a little later.

5. The bi-weekly vacation trip to the shower.

4. The personal Happy Hour… at noon!

3. Scraping the stuck food off of the keyboard for a light snack.

2. Yeah, like I didn’t see you pick your nose and eat that too.

1. Listening to old Hansen cd at full volume.

Top Ten Best Remedies When A Freelancer’s Day Isn’t Going So Well

Posted: July 29th, 2009

We’ve all been there before. Clients scream at us, projects have to get redone, payments aren’t received… and that was just before noon today. Well here you have the best remedies to get you through the rest of the day:

10. Turn on the caps lock key for the day.

9. Quit and return to the comforts of your old job at the IHOP.

8. Go postal. Shoot the faces off the pictures on your desk.

7. Go to Las Vegas. If everything else goes bad, your luck must be good here.

6. Take it to Twitter and Facebook where everyone loves to hear about your bad day.

5. Try to cheer yourself up with that next day being a brand new day bullshit.

4. Pretend its all one big conspiracy playing a cruel joke on you. Have nice chuckle.

3. Find a glass house to throw rocks at.

2. Fill a glass full of water. Drink half of it. Now look at the glass as half-full.

1. A can of Coca-Cola along with a quart of rum.

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