Top Ten New Years Resolutions For Freelancers

Posted: January 26th, 2009

OK, January is almost over but we’re not suppose to forget our resolutions, right? Neither do the freelancers! So here  we have our best resolutions that we will get around to hopefully.

10. Tax time… time to file that overdue 2007 return.

9. Start counting surfing the internet and naps as billable time.

8. Start a “Ponzi” scheme thing for a little side gig (but don’t get caught like that Madoff idiot).

7. Finally replace sawhorses and door with a real desk.

6. Start adding invoicing inconvenience surcharge to invoices.

5. Stop drinking so much coffee. Start looking into nose candy.

4. Call up all my clients and ask for a raise.

3. Quit smoking (dope).

2. Start hiring interns to do all the damn work.

1. Shower more (or buy stronger incense).

Top Ten Freelance Job Board Disclaimers

Posted: January 15th, 2009

If you’re a freelancer and have had a go at the job boards, you may have noticed that sometimes employers  get real specific in their project description. Here are some of the favorite disclaimers we often hear… ok, maybe we exaggerate them a little.

10. “We’re a small start up so please price way below a fair market value and include lots of freebies.”

9. “Looking for a skilled freelancer with preference from Kokomo, Indiana.”

8. “Willing to pay up to $10.99. Overseas bidders welcome.”

7. “Applicants must speak and communicate effective medieval English.”

6. “WARNING: ADULT THEMED (psst… hardcore, gang bangs and lesbian action).”

5. “This should only take fifteen seconds for a freelancer who knows whatever the hell it is they do.”

4. “Canned responses will be put in a pantry for emergency use only.”

3. “The right freelancer will have the opportunity for continued work digging ditches outside our office.”

2. “DO NOT apply if you are not familiar with  Java, JQuery and John 3:15 of the Bible.”

1. “You must provide a resume, portfolio, references and hand in your water bong.”

Top Ten Ways to Get That Loot in Tough Times

Posted: January 7th, 2009

In case you haven’t heard, there is some kind of crisis going on all over the world. No one seems to have any money nor wants to spend it for some reason, either. Well, now you are presented with the top ways to fill your pockets up during this trying period.

10. Add “tax” to your invoices. They’ll never notice. Come to think of it, I should have been doing that in the first place.

9. Sell hedge funds. It worked great for some dude named Madoff!

8. Raid the “have a penny, take a penny” dishes at the 7-11s.

7. Find a Santa suit, a bell and tea kettle painted red. Sit in front of Macy’s all day.

6. Where was that place I sold plasma to in college, again?

5. Borrow a metal detector. Hit the beach!

4. Borrow skimpy dress, lipstick. Hide genitals. Hit the street!

3. Next time you see that shopping cart full of aluminum cans unattended, jack it!

2. Move to California. Pick fruit.

1. Guess I gotta sling the rock again.

Top Ten Greatest Promises By Clients

Posted: November 18th, 2008

Sometimes you can use a little laughter as a freelancer. What better way than to hear the heartfelt promises of your most beloved clients. We bring you the best of the best.

10. “That check will be good in a couple of weeks.”

9. “If you can do this, there’s more work for you in the future.”

8. “There’s only a couple changes I need.”

7. “We can’t pay you much now, but we’ll have more money later.”

6. “I’ll find someone to do the same for only half as much!”

5. “We may even offer you a position later on.”

4. “I’ll tell all my friends about you.”

3. “Can you do [you task here] for free to see how you work? If it’s good, we’ll hire you.”

2. “I’ll have your payment tomorrow.”

1. “That estimate sounds great! Let me get back to you on that.”

Top Ten Freelance Habits You Might Need To Ditch Eventually

Posted: October 13th, 2008

Hey, we’re freelancers. Cut us a little slack, we’re not alll perfect. If you find yourself giggling at any of these, though, maybe its time to update those upcoming New Year’s resolutions.

10. Windows 98 was from a decade ago. Get with the program.

9. Taxes… did April 15th pass already?

8. Cut back to maybe one instant message program to chat with friends.

7. Internet porn is not considered working. Unless of course you work for internet porn.

6. Work over the internet? Why aren’t you working out of the Bahamas?

5. Ever heard of the sun? You’re allowed to leave the house to look at it on occasion.

4. Even though you can, a freelancer should not make it to EVERY happy hour.

3. You work at home. Your shower is right there. Use it!

2. Working out a Starbucks is no longer cool if you want to pick up chicks (or dudes).

1. No more bong rips before starting your day.

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