Top Ten Freelance Holidays To Consider Making Official

Posted: May 6th, 2009

Do freelancers really take bank holidays off or have we just forgotten the whole concept altogether? Do we even remember what holidays are? Well, I propose the following freelance holidays to become official in the near future:

10. Spring break. Let’s take this one back from the college kids!

9. New spin on “take your children to work” day: “Let your children do your work” day.

8. All Payment Stiffers day. Travel to the location of your most notorious bad-debtor and picket, start a riot, throw molotov cocktails at their place of business.

7. All Good Clients day. Take a vacation in their honor with the nice check you just received from them.

6. 5th of July. Allow a day to recover. If it falls on a weekend, Monday off!

5. Post St. Patrick’s day. Ditto.

4. Christmas/New Year’s. C’mon, you really need to stop working these days.

3. Tax Day. Pay up and drown your sorrows.

2. April 16th (day after tax day). See #4 and #5.

1. Tomorrow. Good a day as any I say.

Top Ten Signs You Are Not Cut Out To Freelance

Posted: April 29th, 2009

Let’s face it, freelancing is not for everyone. Here are some signs that you may just want to stick with a job.

10. You shiver at the thought of flexible scheduling.

9. You would have to work out of your parent’s pad.

8. You are afraid of becoming an “unemployed loser.”

7. Too depressed on the bad economy at the moment.

6. You fear being laid off as a freelancer.

5. You look forward to being skipped over for the next promotion.

4. Your office cubicle rocks compared to your desk at home.

3. Three words: annual company picnic.

2. You think the difference between freelancing and a job is the free coffee.

1. You have to hire a boss to watch over you.

Top Ten Caffeine/Nicotine Substitutes So Your Lazy Ass Doesn’t Have To Go To The Store

Posted: April 22nd, 2009

Has this ever happened to you? You just sat down at your desk, a little drowsy, and get up to make yourself some coffee only to realize you’re all out. Then you reach for the box of cigarettes on the table, shake it, hear no noise and scream. Take the day off? Too lazy to go to the store? You can probably get by with these substitutes:

10. Good ol’ backhands to the face never fail.

9. Whip up the cream and sugar you do have into a tasty beverage.

8. Hunt down that leftover 8-ball from last weekend.

7. Duh… have you tried a nap?

6. A couple shots of hot sauce with a ketchup chaser.

5. Make a call to the parents. Have them yell at you a bit.

4. Make a nice cup of tea with a No-Doz dropped in it.

3. Gotta crank up the AC… /DC that is.

2. A session of self-waterboarding.

1. I guess you could recycle those old coffee grounds in the trash.

Top Ten Excuses For The IRS On Tax Day

Posted: April 15th, 2009

It’s tax day in the U.S. so if you haven’t started, better get to it. In case you do not meet the midnight deadline, here are a few excuses that may get you by:

10. “I decided not to pay that part I owe going to the financial bailout.”

9. “I’ll check the box where $3 will go to the campaign fund. Just let me slide this once.”

8. “I’m still waiting on that stimulus check to foot the tax bill.”

7. “It’s cool. I work at [insert major bank receiving bailout funds here].”

6. “Why don’t we schedule a meeting with my tax advisor, Mr. Glock 45.”

5. “I thought it was ok to take an advance on my Social Security.”

4. “Taxes are an expense. So I deducted them from my taxes.”

3. “I gave myself  a bonus with the tax money I owed this year.”

2. “The check is in the mail.”

1. “I’m still trying to conceive my dependants.”

Top Ten Tax Deductions For Freelancers

Posted: April 11th, 2009

For you American freelancers, it’s a safe bet to assume you are laying low and getting to those taxes over the weekend. To help you out, here are a few deductions you may not have considered which may ease the burden a little:

10. All those meals you had eaten at your desk while working.

9. Expenditures at the bar technically count as health care.

8. You bed, TV, refrigerator and microwave are considered office expenses.

7. Create invoices billing yourself for repairing that crappy Windows PC.

6. Don’t forget, the satellite TV service for your TV counts as a utility.

5. Deduct the mileage from bed to office, office to bathroom, office to kitchen.

4. PayPal fees. These are deductible anyway, but tack on a little more just for screwing you for so much.

3. Deduct a reasonable “these taxes are really inconvenient at the moment” amount as a miscellaneous expense.

2. Loss of income due to hungover days.

1. That money you are saving for much-needed vacation can count as your deductible “pension.”

Top Ten Places Where Freelancers Should Move Their Home Office

Posted: March 31st, 2009

This is definitely debatable, but many freelancers have come to despise working out of their homes. While there are obviously huge benefits, such as working naked with a Budweiser in hand, the isolation and need for a change of scenery often overcomes us. So here we have the top ten places to move the home office (if need be):

10. Your old job. Tell your old co-workers you were on vacation all along and mooch all the free coffee and donuts while you can.

9. Raid some kid’s treehouse. Seriously… how cool would an office be in one?

8. Your local church. They surprisingly hook you up, plus you get a free bible! Those Sunday meetings can drag on though.

7. Your local bar. Huge benefits: no commute to happy hour, beer within reach and free peanuts.

6. The nearest Taco Bell. You surely won’t be distracted by ordering anything from the place.

5. A nearby Holiday Inn. Get there early, find a checked out room, sweet talk a housekeeper in letting you in and you have a few hours of free office space. One tip: don’t touch the bed.

4. Break in the neighbor’s house. Surely they are not a freelancers and are away until 5 PM. You can raid the fridge while you’re at it.

3. Truck stops. You wouldn’t believe how equipped these places are. That is, if you can fend off the creepy truckers that live there.

2. The Caribbean. That’s where I moved my office to and it’s the bomb. OK, OK, it’s really in Hawaii. Um… Florida?  Stop shaking your head!

1. Aw hell, just move it to the next room over!

Top Ten Reasons To… Just Leave It For Tomorrow

Posted: March 12th, 2009

I think its safe to say that freelancers are workaholics or at least develop workaholic tendencies. Sometimes when you are working on that project you  like to keep going until the batteries drained. Well, I’ll give you the following reasons to step away from the keyboard for once and give yourself a well deserved rest:

10. You haven’t slept in, oh, 30 – 40 hours.

9. Gotta leave something to do tomorrow, don’t you?

8. It already is tomorrow!

7. You have been up all night, watched the sunrise and DIDN’T GO OUT AT ALL!

6. You ran out of coffee (or other stimulants).

5. You could use the time to say, go on a date?

4. Tomorrow is a Monday.

3. Did someone actually tell you that can’t?

2. It already is tomorrow.

1. Work isn’t a 24 hour event my friend.

Top Ten Reasons To Quit Freelancing NOW!

Posted: February 6th, 2009

Look, you know it when you know it. Freelancing is not for you so time to cut your losses and move on to other opportunities… or just chill, drink beer and watch TV full time. Here’s how you know its time to quit:

10. Clients are real mean to you.

9. Couldn’t handle the flexible scheduling.

8. Need more time to freak out about bad economy.

7. Found better job cashing checks for some Nigerian company.

6. Didn’t know freelancers actually worked.

5. Out of sick days and vacation.

4. For some reason, you just don’t get those checks every two weeks like you use to.

3. Them clients just don’t understand good work when they see it.

2. Didn’t get that promotion that you were hoping for.

1. Your boss is a total loser.

My apologies for those of you who ended up here thinking this was serious. Freelancers don’t quit… we suffer on!

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