Top Ten Failed Freelance Ventures

Posted: October 21st, 2010

Nearly very freelancer has tried to expand their income through some idea that runs through his mind. Unfortunately, not every one of those is a success. Here’s a list of those that didn’t make the grade so you aren’t doomed to repeat history:

10. “Teaching Photoshop to Grandpa” ebook.

9. Viagra email marketing.

8. That new alternative to Napster just got around to finishing.

7. Blackmailing friends in those Mexico photos.

6. Selling those Mexico photos.

5. Upselling a dime bag on each design template.

4. CanYouSpareSomeChangeToANeedyFreelancer.com

3. Hitting up clients for affiliate marketing campaign.

2. Trying out that “6 Figure Yearly Income Working From Home!”

1. Blogging for a 2 figure yearly income.

Top Ten Things To Do When Twitter Is Down

Posted: September 2nd, 2009

Yes, we are all hooked to Twitter by an umbilical cord. Nothing wrong with that. But what in the world do we do if it goes down again? These will get you by:

10. Just go ahead and scream to yourself “Bagels and butter rocked this morning!” to get that out of the way.

9. Stare at the stock ticker on CNN.

8. Go back to that sexy chat room for old time’s sake.

7. Read a sentence from a book. Stop and think. Repeat.

6. Lookup “mashable” to see what the hell they are all about.

5. Repeatedly attempt to tweet “Twitter back up!” and hope you’ll be the first to break the news.

4. Use a perfectly good substitute.

3. Or… check for a Google Twitter. That should be done by now.

2. Sit there and absolutely die!

1. Talk face to face with your “other” friends.

Top Ten Things A Freelancer Would Rather Be Doing

Posted: August 19th, 2009

Let’s admit it. There are occasionally things that freelancers would rather be doing at the moment. Here are the favorites:

10. Escape from the desk and computer. Going to next room over and use laptop.

9. Getting some more work done while sleeping.

8. Go on that vacation… next year.

7. A redo. Bring it on!

6. Eat much better.

5. Finding a client outside of immediate family.

4. Getting off the wagon for old time’s sake.

3. Something stronger than coffee.

2. Another top ten list this week. (sigh)

1. Making the poverty line for once.

Top Ten Additional Definitions of The Freelance Dictionary

Posted: August 12th, 2009

A few months ago, I posted The Top Ten Definitions of The Freelance Dictionary which, apparently, a soul or two out there liked. So class is in session again. Get out the pen and paper and jot down these other ten definitions from our beloved “dictionary.”

Billable Hours: The hours you really intended to work but somehow ended up on Twitter instead.

Change Order: A document you realized you forgot to draft when you spent three days retouching that website at the request of your client.

Health Insurance: For a freelancer this would be wearing body armor at all times and eating an apple a day.

Passive Income: Getting some freelance work done while clocked in at your job.

PayPal: The quickest and safest method to fork over a chunk of your hard earned paycheck for nothing.

Freelance Rate: An amount per hour that you brag to your friends about charging. That is until you realized you worked a half hour this week.

Spec Work: Also known as “pro-bono” work, “let’s pretend we’re an intern” work or “why don’t I just let you have my whole damn portfolio while we’re at it” work.

Social Media: An increasingly popular method of promoting one’s business by exchanging information and links. That’s the excuse, anyway, while you keep up with friends.

Time Tracking: Periodically looking at the clock throughout the day until you decide to start working at 3:00 AM.

Telecommuting: Working at home and conducting business over the internet. Also the sole culprit in why you have gained weight and look and smell like you’ve spent a week on skid row.

Top Ten Guilty Pleasures Of A Freelancer

Posted: August 5th, 2009

Let’s admit it. Working as a freelancer affords you the opportunities to enjoy things that you otherwise wouldn’t in an office setting. Yes, we all do have those little vices and here are the ten best in case you were wondering:

10. The sweet smell of nag champa incense (covering up body odor).

9. Raw coffee, Red Bull and leftover crack blended into a nice smoothie.

8. Same as above but directly injected into veins. Good with a cigarette.

7. Oh, looking at a computer screen and watching the minutes change on the clock.

6. Working… ahh, I’ll work a little later.

5. The bi-weekly vacation trip to the shower.

4. The personal Happy Hour… at noon!

3. Scraping the stuck food off of the keyboard for a light snack.

2. Yeah, like I didn’t see you pick your nose and eat that too.

1. Listening to old Hansen cd at full volume.

Top Ten Best Remedies When A Freelancer’s Day Isn’t Going So Well

Posted: July 29th, 2009

We’ve all been there before. Clients scream at us, projects have to get redone, payments aren’t received… and that was just before noon today. Well here you have the best remedies to get you through the rest of the day:

10. Turn on the caps lock key for the day.

9. Quit and return to the comforts of your old job at the IHOP.

8. Go postal. Shoot the faces off the pictures on your desk.

7. Go to Las Vegas. If everything else goes bad, your luck must be good here.

6. Take it to Twitter and Facebook where everyone loves to hear about your bad day.

5. Try to cheer yourself up with that next day being a brand new day bullshit.

4. Pretend its all one big conspiracy playing a cruel joke on you. Have nice chuckle.

3. Find a glass house to throw rocks at.

2. Fill a glass full of water. Drink half of it. Now look at the glass as half-full.

1. A can of Coca-Cola along with a quart of rum.

Freelance Follies #2

Posted: May 19th, 2009

Sit back and have a laugh courtesy of The Freelance Rant. As always, hate mail can be deposited below.

  • What’s your choice of preferred computing? It can best explained in this grid.
  • Freelancers know a million and one ways to prepare ramen noodles, feast on frozen burritos and devour cases of pork and beans at a time. Well we can add one more cheap item to the list… “recession busting” toast.
  • Sure, you may feel like a nerd in your desk chair working hours on end. Then when the work is done, you still stay and send away your tweets to all your other nerdy friends. OK, my hand is up too. Well, there’s promising news that can help us rationalize our geeky personas.
  • Are you afraid to open another browser window and look at porn for fear others around you may happen look over your shoulder? Fear no more! Finally safe-for-work porn has come (no pun intended) into existence.
  • Become a freelancer and you can avoid being like Andr√©.

Freelance Follies #1

Posted: May 12th, 2009

Welcome to a new little feature of The Freelance Rant. As you hopefully know, freelancing can’t always be serious. After all, we need the occasional laugh or distraction to get us through the day. So here I present to you the first Freelance Follies. Please leave hate comments below.

  • There’s nothing like jury duty to steal one of your working days and replace it with a day dedicated to waiting around for hours on end only to answer a single question from a judge. Here’s the perfect excuse to keep your ass out of jury duty. By the looks of a judge signing off on it, it really works too.
  • Has the Google street view car already passed through your neighborhood? Hopefully you weren’t one of it’s victims caught in a bad moment. You’d figure Google would have some sort of algorithm to eliminate people peeing in open public from their street view.
  • If the Google car hasn’t caught you in an embarrassing situation, then maybe the Denton (Texas) Police Department has. Being the cool police department they are, they use Twitter to post their bookings online. Looks like it isn’t hard to make it to these pages, either… someone got booked for doing 58 in a 45 mph zone. Geez, down with lawbreakers, heh?
  • Ever wonder the truth behind who the real obnoxious assholes are?
  • Money Makin’ Tip of The Week:
    Take a cue from the restaurants and earn an extra 15% or more per customer. On your invoices, right below the invoice amount, leave one blank line labeled “TIP” and another below it labeled “TOTAL.”¬† Leave a tip jar on your desk in case some like to pay cash. You can thank me later.
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